Highlights of today

> I’m getting a kitten in a few weeks. A black one. My friends tell me to name it Karkat, my bro wants me to name it Kankri. HOMESTUCK NAMES EVERYWHERE why not zacharie 

> Because of me, everyone in lecture saw hentai. My lecture prof. put it up on the board. because. we were talking about it.  and everyone now knows i like guro.

> last night i ordered a fucking “dont ask me about my disability or mortality” shirt because i figure i can use it for a sollux cosplay also oops i “accidentally” brought it in yellow and purple hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm i wonder why that happened

> i have a trans meet tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i get to show!!!! everyone my art and my cosplay and talk to the LARP people again!!

> also i drew eridan in the buy weed shirt and it came out well hhh

Ugh. Who knew drawing a self portrait could be so hard… I sure hope my Uni professor isn’t one of those “YOU CAN ONLY DRAW IN REALISM, ANYTHING ELSE IS A FAIL” kinda professors…  My realistic stuff just looks odd as hell. When I draw something simplified, it gets a bit more life too it… More personality and atmospheric, even in a doodle. 

I gotta go to the bank orz

And when I get back, I’m drawing some gay stuff and cutesy Black Mages. 

wow um jeez

I just kind of want to cut of most of my hair and wear my binder forever right now.

All of a sudden I’m having a lot of gender related feels.

and i really want a dick. 

I wish it was possible to be reborn as a dude or just step into a machine or have an operation to make me 100% male cries

I’m having a WHAT THE FUCK GENDER AM I moment right now. Despite physically being a girl, actually thinking about buying women’s clothing feels foreign and strange to me- for the past… six or so years I’ve warn nothing but guys clothing (only wore skirts when I was forced to or to funerals). 

The idea of wearing woman’s clothing is kind of overwhelming. That’s… kind of odd… really. 

Besides only two of the tops I want are “women’s tops”, one of them is a man’s T-shirt. 

Maybe it’s time I went to bed. Or played FF6 in bed. 

PERIODS.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

I WANT TO DRAW BUT IT’S 3AM AND I NEED TO BE UP AT 8AM TO WAIT ALL DAY FOR A PACKAGE TO COME.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF hot water bottle and sleep time.

why was i even born female fml being in this state makes my dysphoria so much worse

Worst night.

Today started off good- me finishing college for the Summer, but it quickly degraded into me turning into an emotional wreck.

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I need to see my councillor again.

I think my depression is coming back. Ether that or I’m just really stressed. I hope it’s stressed, that goes away quicker. T _T If I get a third year at my current college rather than Uni, I’ll totally just go back to the councillor… orz…

I’m having womanly problems.

And self esteem issues.

And stressed. 

And sad because cosplay

and depressed because friendships

and scared of life

and upset about being a bad fighting game player

life is daunting and i’m really scared i’ll never make something of my life and when i die i’ll die upset and with nothing to leave behind. i’m 17 and i can’t stop thinking about how i’m going to die a failure, what the fuck

Maybe I should start a blog for cute Pokémon fan-art… wait that’s been done 1000 times before hasn’t it… orz

Got a Dark Note with J-E-N-O-V-A  on it. That is going on my profile card. Right now.

J-E-N-O-V-A is such a good battle theme.

I want to play games

but my last piece of homework for psychology isn’t finished

fRRRRRRRFIJoijffdiogdoi

SAI keeps crashing, my laptop is having RAM leaks constantly (I’ve had to get off skype and MSN just work draw on SAI) and my throat keeps on getting painfully dry, I

tonight ain’t goin’ too well.

i want chocolate.

It’s pretty drastic, but I really want to be away from my house right now.

I thought my boyfriends Mum was bad enough, but my own Mum won’t stop arguing and shouting at me for no reason. All I did was come home an hour early, she won’t stop shouting everytime she comes into my bedroom and I really don’t know why.

I can’t get hold of my boyfriend at all. My best friend is in France and I don’t really have and close friends who live near me. I have… close friends but most of them ether live up the country or I don’t know where they live/not close enough to chill at theres.

I also have no money, at all, not even for bus fair, so there’s pretty much no where else I can go other than just

sitting in my room

getting shouted at

all fucking night

wonderful. I just want to work on art. Please.

wow

my boyfriends mum offended me

thank god i’m going home in like half an hour |:

how dare she call us lazy when SHE’S the one who refuses to get a paid job because she can’t be bothered to work